Long Distance Relationship Advice – How to Keep it Going

Long Distance Relationship Advice

Long distance relationships are the worst. “Is he/she worth waiting for? Are they feeling the same way I do?” “Am I kidding myself thinking this may work?” “Would I be better off dating the postman instead? At least he comes to my house each day.” “Does my girlfriend even exist or is that this simply a Nigerian guy conducting an elaborate credit card scam?”. So today I am going to deliver you long distance relationship advice, and what to do & not to do in a long distance relationship.

I get it. I’ve been there. Long distance relationships suck. There’s no way around it. In all of my years I’ve never met somebody who has said, “Yeah, my boyfriend lives fourteen hours away in the Republic of Finland, its great!” On the contrary, everybody I’ve met in a very long distance relationship will relate to the slow agonizing feeling that takes place over months or maybe years — that feeling that your heart is slowly being sculpted out of your chest by a table knife and replaced with Skype calls and open chat windows.

All 3 of my important relationships have involved long distance in some way. As a young man who was afraid of any form of commitment whatsoever, I found that I may solely enable myself to fall for a lady if she was at least five hundred miles away.

Long Distance Relationship Advice

Note:

  • The first one, we both genuinely tried to make it work, however, things fell apart stunningly.
  • The second, we both agreed that our lives were taking us to totally different parts of the world and that we were most likely more contented letting it go, we then struggled to, you know, really let go over the next year.
  • The third, as a result of we, had both done this before, we instantly made plans to end the gap as soon as possible (six months) and {so} made the appropriate sacrifices to do so.2

So, I suppose what I’m saying is, I’ve seen both sides of the long-distance relationship coin. I’ve seen them go off and I’ve seen them fizzle out. I’ve seen them be definitely worth the pain and loneliness however also reach the moment of wanting to let alone.

When it involves surviving the gap, here’s what I’ve learned is most important.

Long Distance Relationship Advice:

  1. You always want one thing to Look Forward to Together:

What kills long distance relationships is that the constant underlying uncertainty of everything. “Is this all worth it?” “Does she still feel the same way regarding me as she did before?” “Is he secretly meeting other ladies without me knowing?” “Am I kidding myself with all of this? Perhaps we’re horrible for each other and that I don’t realize it.”

The longer you 2 are apart, the more these uncertainties can fester and grow into legitimate existential crises.

That’s why once making any long distance relationship work it’s necessary to continuously have some date that you just are both waitings. Usually, this may be the next time you are each able to see one another. However it can be other major life moments as well — applying for jobs within the other person’s town, gazing flats together, a vacation along, and so on.

The minute you stop having some milestone to look forward to together, it’ll become harder to maintain the same enthusiasm and optimism for each other. One issue that’s true about all relationships is that if they’re not growing, then they’re dying. And this is often a lot of important than ever in long distance relationship advice. You need to be evolving towards something. There should be some goal out in front of you that you’re reaching together. You need to have some cause that unites you at all times. You must both have a connection trajectory at some point on the horizon. Otherwise, you’ll inevitably drift apart.

Long Distance Relationship Advice

  1. Be Slow to Judge:

A funny thing happens to humans psychologically once we’re separated from each other. We’re unable to check one another as we actually are. Once we’re aside from each other or have limited exposure to someone or event, we tend to begin to make all types of assumptions or judgments that are sometimes exaggerated or untrue.3

This can occur in numerous ways in which within a long distance relationship. In some cases, folks get insanely jealous or without reasoning possessive of their partner as a result of they understand each casual social outing without them as potentially threatening to their relationship. They become paranoid, asking “Who the fuck is Dan? Tell me who the fuck this Dan guy is, and why is he writing on your Facebook wall — oh, he’s your stepbrother? I didn’t know you had a stepbrother. Why didn’t you tell me you had a stepbrother? Are you hiding something from me? OK, perhaps I wasn’t listening when you told me, however, I still don’t wish you hanging out with Dan, got it?”

Other people become very critical and neurotic that each little thing that goes wrong is an end to the relationship. Like if the power goes out and their partner misses their nightly Skype call, they sit there thinking to themselves that this is it, the relationships over, he finally forgot about me.

Other people go the opposite direction and begin idealizing their partner as being excellent in a very bunch of ways that they’re actually not. After all, if your partner isn’t in front of you all day on a daily basis, it’s simple to forget all of the small obnoxious parts of their personality that really trouble you. It’s simple to overlook their flaws and faults. And not solely that, however, it feels good to imagine that there’s this picture-perfect person for you — “the one” — out there, and it’s these damn logistic circumstances that are the sole thing keeping you apart.

Long Distance Relationship Advice

Note:

All of those irrational fantasies are unhelpful. And once stuck in a very long distance scenario, it’s necessary to distrust many of your own judgments and inclinations to a particular degree. remind yourself that you just really don’t understand what’s going on and therefore the best thing you’ll be able to do at any moment is to simply speak with your partner regarding what they’re feeling and about what you’re feeling. There’s that old saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Well, I’d edit that to mention, “Absence makes the heart fucking psychotic,” if I might. Be wary.

 

  1. Make Communication Optional:

A lot of long-distance couples create rules or expectations that they must have X number of calls or that they have to speak nightly at a certain time. You’ll be able to even notice some articles online recommending this kind of behavior.

It may work for a few people, however, I’ve always found that communication ought to happen organically and unconditionally. You talk over with one another when you wish to, not because you’ve got to. And if that means going 1-2 days without communication, then so be it. People get busy, after all. And periodically having a few days to yourself is really pretty healthy, I’d say.

When you Force Communication:

If you force communication, 2 things will happen.

  • The 1st is that once you inevitably hit days that you simply don’t have a lot of to speak about (or don’t desire to talk), you’ll half-ass it and fill your communication with a bunch of filler. Great, now you’re half-assing your relationship and spending time along with your partner not because you would like to however as a result of you are feeling obligated. Welcome to every shitty marriage ever.

This half-assed communication typically creates a lot of issues than it solves. Like, if your partner looks more interested in his tax returns than catching up with you, the likelihood is you must simply hang up and try again tomorrow. There’s such a thing as overexposure.

  • The second problem that will happen from forcing communication is that one or each individual can begin to resent feeling obligated to the other person all of the time. This resentment then sparks stupid fights which nearly always devolve into some type of, “I’m sacrificing more than you are!” “No, I’m sacrificing more than you are!” And playing the I-sacrificed-more-than-you game never solved anything.

The best way to go is to make all communication optional. Each of you’ll be able to opt out at any time. The trick is to not take these opt-outs in person when they happen — after all, your partner isn’t your slave. If they’re having a busy week or want some alone time, that’s whole up to them to decide.  BUT, you are doing got to use your partner’s (and your) wish for communication as a barometer for a way the relationship is proceeding.

Long Distance Relationship Advice

If your partner spontaneously feels like she solely needs to speak a few times every week rather than many times on a daily basis, that’s both the cause and therefore the result of her feeling more distant. That’s worth talking about —

The ‘feeling distant,’ not yelling at her for not calling more — and being honest about it.

Doing this needs something known as “trust.” It’s a novel concept. And easier said than done. Particularly once plane flights are involved. However, you’ll need it if you’re going to make it through this.

 

  1. Make Sure the Gap is Temporary:

A long-distance relationship cannot survive without hope. And for there to be hope, there should be some possibility that you simply 2 can one day be along and win you’re happily Ever after (TM).

Without that shared vision of happily Ever after, everything else can quickly begin to feel senseless.

Remember, love isn’t enough. You both got to have life visions that are aligned, shared values and mutual interests. If she’s taking a 10-year contract working for the Singaporean government, and he makes a career dogsledding around the polar ice caps, well, then there’s not much hope for that relationship, regardless of how much they may love one another.

Not solely must there be some shared vision of a possible future for you together, however, you both should also feel like you’re working toward that vision. If he’s in la and you’re in New York, nothing can kill the relationship quicker than applying for jobs in London and Hong Kong.

In my second relationship, my girlfriend took a job working in Africa. Meanwhile, I toiled away in the US with no cash trying to get my first web business off the bottom. All hope for making it work was far away from the equation and that we soon broke up.

My current girlfriend is Brazilian. We tend to begin dating while I was living there in 2012. I left once a few months and we kept in touch. each of us was battle-worn veterans of failed long distance relationships, and one amongst our initial conversations was that if we tend to didn’t feel that there was a possibility of us living within the same town again within a year, then there was no purpose in keeping in touch.

Obviously, this wasn’t a straightforward conversation to possess. However, we tend to have it as a result of we both knew it had been necessary if we were going to continue.

Six months later, I made the commitment to move back down to Brazil and keep their together with her till we could figure other plans out.

Long distance relationships advice: It will solely work if each partner places their cash where their genitals are. OK, that sounded weird, however, what I mean is that you simply have to be compelled to make the logistical, life-rearranging commitment to 1 another for it to have any probability of working. Paradoxically, you end up with this weird dynamic where long distance relationships force you to make far more significant commitments to an individual who you’ve had so much less exposure to. It’s like shopping for a car once you’ve solely seen one image of it.

Is it worth it? This is often the question I get most frequently from readers. On one level, yes, it’s always worthwhile. Because although the relationship goes down like a Malaysian Airlines flight. You may have learned loads about yourself, about intimacy, and about commitment to the process.

On another level, it’s hard to inform. Because once you’re stuck in a very long distance relationship. You don’t really understand what it’s like to date the other person. You simply have this halfway, vague idea of what it’s like.

Sure, you recognize their personality and their attractive qualities. However, you don’t understand the reality. You don’t understand each other’s ticks. How she avoids eye contact once she’s unhappy. The means he leaves a mess in the toilet then denies making it. How she’s continually late for important events. The way he makes excuses for his mother’s unacceptable behavior. Her tendency to speak through movies. His tendency to get easily offended at comments about his look. And so on.

You don’t get a sense for the actual relationship till you’re there. In person, and in every other’s faces non-stop, whether you would like to be or not. This is often where true intimacy exists. Within the constricted personal space between 2 people that have spent way, way, way too much time around one another. This intimacy is typically dispassionate. It’s generally obnoxious. It’s sometimes unpleasant. However, it’s capital-R Real. And it’s what determines if a relationship will last or not.

Long Distance Relationship Advice

Bottom Line:

Distance prevents this constricted intimacy from ever forming in a very meaningful way. Once we’re apart it’s too simple to idealize and romanticize one another. It’s too simple to overlook the mundane, yet necessary differences. It’s too simple to get caught up in the drama of our minds instead of the calm and boring truths of our hearts.

Can it work? Yes, it can. Will it work? Usually, no, then again, that’s true for the vast majority of relationships. And it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ever at least try.

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